Pupurupus Journals

I wish to come out of agony. Can this machine, the human, fulfill my dream? Everyday I am born to this wide wild world. When happiness give birth my skin, like cotton dyed in ochre. And when useless and barren I am like an umber stone.

I want to be seen in the northern lights like the “vase with twelve sunflowers”. I want my smell to spread to the west like the “Arabian Jasmine”. I want to be heard to the south like the “Stringed Rabab”. And I want to be felt with the eastern sun like the luster of “Lei-Zu”.

I am what made me yesterday. And today it is one of the happy births. The only thing missing is the Arabian Jasmine. I cannot say that the total vain is gone. Certainly today is a far better day than a useless day.

Last nights search kept me way beyond the singing silence. The cold foggy shower woke my sleepy mind before I let my body to rest. Dark enough was the night only my mind could see. Heard the early Morning Prayer call just ahead of dusk before the sun rose. The slow physical movement of my body in prayer and unseen meditation of my mind was the best thing of the night. This calmness helped me sleep quicker than my usual struggle. Soon I could not feel my body.

Now only my inner self is playing the music. Like the leaves humming in the wind. Like the shores gently hugging the distant white sandy beach. I thought my body could be like this forever. I could never know. For either I could feel my body back or would never too. Both are so possible that the probable “almost sure” for both are infinity minus one. Or can say simply almost as uncertain as “i”. Can minus “i” be possible for you?

I am half awake now. Mad things my mind says when my body rest will be les now. I can yawn and stay half awake only for sometime. Now this is for certain. After a little while my still body will signal my mind that I am the useless agony of your existence. So go empty yourself. Like the Zen master Nan-In says, “How can I show you Zen, unless you first empty your cup?”

So no more I could stay. I jumped out of bed and ran to the toilet. This is how a usual day begins for me. And there I wait to let myself go. While there I write my to-do list in my mind. And I give credit to almost all my creative thinking in art, architecture, photography or writing to this one social space, the basics of which has never changed with time. The way a person think depends on how that person empties the self.¹

 

_{1. A book may give you knowledge. A teacher may give you what that person may know or experienced. A school may give you set rules of guidance. But it is how well you extract the seed from all of them, after eating the pulp. And grow your tree of knowledge from that seed. Extend the roots deep down to your origins. And even the stormiest of winds cannot bring down the whole of you.}