letter to my soul - 2

To: My S.
April is leaving today and before she leave, I told her to laden herself with my many what's, oh's and hmm's to give to you my S. She was happy it rained this morning for she could smell the sighing wind for one last time. There she was, gazing into the distant mist that fell adrift in the drunken wind like a mystic wandering here and there. A mystic once herself she told, until one similar morning she knew that her tummy tinkled and dizzy went her dreaming head. For nine moons that followed she had one smile and dreamt one song, the song of the pupurupus. There I was, a mysterious little one learning how to relate myself to you. All the time we lived together but yet kept untold secrets and many hidden clothes in our closets.
If April knew what I write to you, her journey has a reason and her going has a meaning. But she always tells me why I send these letters to you, within someone else to carry, when you can be within myself as always. April is so curious as life begins with her, and I learn to play in the sand with her. She brings abundance of water from the heavens and grows my food from within that barren land that stretches. April she is my "nine moon carrier" with whom aligns myself, the stars and the rest.
If not for me would you still be there i wonder my warmth my S. I long for the meeting with you someday, a journey of many passing stars and many flowing oceans. That day I no longer need to write to you but hope to speak in person. Asking why now and not then, and all my untold stories. And most enchanting will be to hear you speak to me with your beautiful unheard voice. I cannot imagine how I shall weep listening to your song of silence. Your eyes shall speak to me that day of how you journeyed along my entire life trying to reach me and yet the distance that kept growing in between.
And when April reach you tomorrow with my letter, you shall know that my words are still warm like how I feel you within myself. My letter is like a glass of water, from these words you drink my sorrow and leave the glass not empty but full of your warm breath of hope.

loosing yesterday

Friday normally is quite quiet and slow. In the afternoon I went to a nearby island and stayed on a boat until late night. When I went the sun was up and warm and the many that I see are brightly lit by the warm glow of the burning yellows. Since now I shoot on film I hurried capturing the interesting play of light and shadow around me. The warmth on the anchored boats in the harbor is beautiful and the golden little glows in the sea seem to dance in the wet waters. Repetition of a set of few boats anchored little far had my attention for sometime as the light and shadow that was skipping from one boat to the other was captivating. From a golden yellow the colour soon changed to a warm orange and then to a deep red and started to diminish her passion.

I kept the camera, changed to a swim shorts and jumped into the sea. The water was warm and deep blue since the boat was anchored in the deep side of the lagoon. It was fun to have a swim at sunset. The sun was not yet fully set as I jumped and I could see the deep scarlet frill of her dress as if she was falling down and vanishing to my eyes when I depart from the endless horizon. And as if her many little children water skiing in the vast waters follows her down the far distance and slowly diminish their glow and vanish beyond the ocean.

I came out of the waters when it was totally dark and only the light from the boat kept me known in the vast deep blue. The distant islands are a play of light in the dark of the night. Many tiny yellow orange and red lights glow and twinkle from the far distance reminding of life on the scattered islands. Coming out of the city is one simple way to read the many stories of the stars above myself. I read the story of myself, the story of you and the stories of them who dream far faraway. From the library of the heavens I could read only a few pages of a few books that I could not even lift or move. The night was still, empty, dark and deaf for it could not reply my many mysterious questions that I kept on asking. Numb stood the wind not dancing for there were no music that the seas could play today.

I kept wondering the loosing of yesterday’s somber hiss that dissolved slowly into the depths of the ocean.

a road less travelled

How many stones must one step, to go ahead, to walk and go from where life leads from a nameless address ending your stay soon to walk on a flawless floorless place of dimensionless unfelt stone? All you begin is stepping on tiny little specks of sand on the ground, and feel the many little worlds trodden beneath your tiny feet. Some often step on airy limestone which looks like a shadow on the ground, having no surface other than that of the uneven sand beneath the cold felt surface like walking on a shallow sea.

Now when the surface hides from the brightly lit colours and the seeing is hidden from the physical self, take a road less travelled along the extra dimension of the untouched endless boundary. Feel the unseen tease under your barefoot walking on nowhere that never touches between your mind and soul. Walk on a road that never ends and a pace that is never slow leading a forever of uncertain miles. There seems no beginning or end but a seamless always of hazy moments and through reflections in a wringing rain is the only means you feel a passerby, who is but anyone else.

Along this road you meet me once when you traverse over your unobserved self. How one knows me is not by chance but as if though travelling the whole way together along as one. What if I am you and the stone you step is again the same one concealed within yourself. Have you ever felt amity linking you and the one you step on? They mimic just like the ink between the seal and the paper that entraps you, unnoticed ignored and most of the time invisible to the other side.

A reverie seldom seen is the road less travelled but real are us who live in each other forever as one and fancy a cuddle whenever the wind chuckles.

My First Flight

This writing is taken from a very early sketch book of mine.

15th Oct 1990 Tuesday 12.10pm Hithadhoo (Addu Atoll, Southern tip of Maldives).
I woke up at 6.15am, but was quite tired. Went to the toilet to relax my stomach and had a clean shave. Went to the bathroom and had a cold bath. Came back to the room and dressed as soon as I could. But it was already 7.20. Had an omelette and a mug of milo. Tried to get a camera but couldn't. Went to the office at 7.30 and came back home at 7.45. Got my suitcase and called a taxi. Went to my dad's office, got the ticket and went to the airport at 8.00am. I was nervous because I didn't know what to do at the airport. This was my first flight. Went into the terminal and showed my ticket at the Air Maldives counter. He gave the boarding pass and asked to check in at 8.45. I walked out and sat on a bench outside terminal. I noticed that the Maldivians seated around were from this atoll and thought following them while checking in. It was a lucky guess, and I did the same. I checked in and waited at the lounge. At 9.00 a young man called for the passengers travelling in Gan flight. I walked right behind them. While walking to the plane a person from Feydhoo talked to me (Feydhoo is an Island in Addu Atoll, he said he was from that island). I climbed up the stairs and an air hostess showed me the seat. It was a narrow plane seated at both sides.
There were around fifteen people on the plane. The engine started and it was so loud that I felt headache. Slowly it moved, went straight and took a full turn and accelerated. Came along the runway and took off at 9.10. This was a new experience for me, to leave off the ground so white and the sea so blue beneath. As it rose higher through the clouds smoke entered the plane. Maybe that it's the cloud's moist. I stared through the window and saw the islands shattered in the ocean. Looks like a huge drawing of a map.
An hour went by while seeing the image-less spots of each and every atoll. And suddenly I recognized Laamu Atoll, maybe because of the recent map I was drawing. Then counted on through Gaafu Alifu and Gaafu Dhaalu and again came the blank ocean. I stared at a rough angle where Gnaviyani would be. I was lucky again to see Fuvahmulah pass before my eyes. Went a gap and came Seenu Atoll (Addu Atoll). I saw the flaps came out and the wheels too. The plane took a right turn slowed down and came parallel to the runway and it landed at 10.45. The plane stopped at the arrival building. The steps went down and everyone came out. I waited for my luggage. I felt sad to see that nobody came to fetch me. So I took a taxi and came to HIthadhoo from Gan; and to the Seenu Atoll Office. The cab driver charged Maldivian Rufiyaa hundred. It was half an hour drive from Gan through Feydhoo and some other islands and long and narrow highways. After I came here I knew that the team was at site from 11.30 till now (12.55). I'm waiting with hunger.

Remembering Myself

I almost died several times.
FIRST walk on the rim happened when i was about one and half months old. My mother relates this story. She says that I am always quiet throughout my childhood. This particular day she kept me on bed and i was asleep. She was busy with my elder brother and sister and with other daily routine of the house. When she checked on noon I was still sleeping. And in the afternoon my maternal aunt (mom's eldest sister) came in for a visit and as usual checked on me first and said to my mom that I was unusually warm and really heated up like fire. And later they knew that for the whole day I was unconscious.
SECOND try was when i was five months old. She says that I was again having this high fever and vomit a lot and nothing else but blood came a lot from my mouth and my family and relatives thought that I almost died. she said that later when a relative visited, saw me and said; oh! this is the one who almost died.
THIRD time I remember well. I went to the sea with my brother and some relatives and friends. This time we went to the then newly dredging south west harbour area. After a deep area there was a shallow area formed by the dredged sand. My brother began to swim there and I followed. When he landed there he realized that the sand was muddy and almost the same instant i landed there after crossing the very deep area. We both tried to hold onto each other and due to the struggle both almost drowned. I do not clearly remember what happened next. Maybe someone came and rescued us or we struggled back. I think my brother would remember this more clearly.
I do remember having that very high fever in my early life again for two or three times. But after that, except for having a fever for very few times, I do not remember getting ill again ever later. I do not remember getting hospitalized either.
FOURTH try was when I fell from the attic about seven or eight years ago. I was trying to come down from a ladder from the attic. When i put one foot on the ladder and left the other from the floor of the attic the ladder slipped and I fell. Hit the railing below and landed on the first floor. My chest hit a 1.5 litre empty water bottle which was standing vertical. She was standing about three meters away. I stood up suddenly and the water bottle was totally crushed but there was no visible injury to the chest. She was laughing and later she said that she could not hold the laugh. At the same time my left foot just above the fingers was swelling. So went to the doctor but he said there was no fracture and its only a minor hairline crack and put plaster. Doctor said there was nothing wrong with the chest or any other bone.
Maybe four times are too less to reach the other side. Or maybe I did not try hard enough to reach to the other side or maybe I was not allowed to enter the other side. Or simply maybe I am on the other side and unable to reach the side from which I came from.